Oh, I see how it is..

Saturday night was the big Bachelor party. My evening was relaxing. Put the kids to bed, got into my jammies, poured a martini (and another and another), turned on the ol’ IPod, and sat down with my best friend(my laptop). Every so often I’d get a drunken text from my sweetie. Around 1am, he tells me he’s getting ready to come home. Cool. So I wait up till about 2:30, & finally go to bed, praying he didn’t get into a car accident, or stopped and end up with a DUI. He promised me he wouldn’t drink too much, so I wasn’t terribly worried.

4:30 he comes into the bedroom. The smell of stale smoke was so strong, my already inflamed sinuses went wild. He attempted to talk to me a bit & then fell asleep. At 8am Princess is up, so I fall out of bed to attend to her & make sure my son got breakfast. Hubby sleeps a while longer, comes downstairs just to tell me he threw up, I guess, grabbed some water & went back to bed.

Another 3 hours later, he graces us with his ill presence. Moaning & whining, he takes some advil, tums, grabs another glass of water & returns to bed. It’s about 4 pm, when he’s finally up for good. I’ve spent the day fighting with our son over getting his homework done, dealt with little miss fussybutt and her cranky self, and missed an opportunity to go see my mom. Luckily I had laundry done or I’d have been really pissed.

I didn’t give him too hard a time about it, but did make the ‘Gee, I wish I could lay around all day when I have a hangover after partying all night’ comment. I passed out on the couch around 10:30 last night due to my own lack of sleep the night before. Imagine that! He watched the finale of This Old House in New Orleans without me. 😛

Hmmph. Next time I’m going with, even if I have to jump out of a cake half naked.

Technorati claim.not a blog post

Technorati Profile

Amanda, this one’s for you!

After reading about your nasty panty thieves, I was inspired to tell you this. Hope it helps.

When my family moved to D.C. in the early 90’s, my parents started traveling more and leaving me (at 19 or 20) and my brother (15 or 16) at home. Naturally we had parties, people drank, smoked tobacco & pot in the basement & we all had some harmless fun.

Well, after ditching college for the 2nd time, I decided to join the Navy. My parents kept my room for when I’d be able to come home(not often! I think I made it home twice in my Naval Career)and I obviously couldn’t take many clothes with me, so they stayed behind, too.

Fast forward several years later- back at home and working in the real world. My lil bro, sweet guy that he is, decided to tell me about one party he had soon after I had left for Great Mistakes, Il. Oh it was wild. One of his friends (not so amazingly called ‘Bad J.’ as opposed to is other friend the ‘Good J.’ ) decided to take his girlfriend up to my room. Ewwwwww…

I wondered if the bed linens were washed before I slept on them again. Double Ewwwwww.

Then he tells me that freaky Bad J. fessed up that he also wore my underwear!!!!!!!!! *gag* I don’t exactly know what kind of thing that was about, nor do I want to know, but he PUT THEM BACK in my drawer after wearing them!!!!! I had no clue which ones, and chances are I’d worn them since. I still get nauseated thinking about it now, and that was many years ago.

The moral of this story is, that there are worse things than having your underwear stolen. I wish mine were.

And obviously, if they turn up, wash them many times or else just trash em & buy some new ones!

I know you don’t like my shows, but…

Last night was reality night. I am addicted to reality tv. Michael usually stays in the office on the computer while I watch an hour of American Idol or Big Brother. Last night, I saw BB was on, so I of course watched the eviction(usually I wait till the next day to watch, as it is important I watch my other shows for the upcoming recap with my bro). Anyway..I forgot The Moment of Truth also came on before American Idol, so I watched AI, and then was turning on Moment of Truth. (yes, we’re talking 3 hours of shit.)

As I’m turning on the last show, Michael comes out & asks if any new Law & Order was recorded. I looked and told him no. I asked if he’d like to come out & sit with me on the sofa(“you can use my laptop while I watch”). He just walked away. ‘Screw you’, I thought.

About 3 mins into this show I get up to go pee. As I’m passing by the office, I see Porn on the computer! What the fuckity fuck??? He notices me & quickly closes the window. I get out of the bathroom, shout “If you’re done jerking off in there, fine, come pick a show to watch!”

I stewed the rest of the evening. He kept offering me a sinus rub ( I have a sinus infection- yuck), and I poutily declined. I mean, I’m by no means conservative. I think pornography is fun. I enjoy a good movie with my hubby(except the ones with girls that spit and gag on cock- that is such a turnoff) TMI? Probably, but just so you realize I’m not a total freak. So, as I was saying, perhaps I shouldn’t have been mad, but this is a guy who’s told me he hasn’t masturbated since he met me, and told me he never watches porn without me. He knows I do & is cool with it (cuz it means he’s off the hook some days). If the situation was reversed, and I was one of those chicks who didn’t put out all the time, I could understand him watching dirty movies alone, but I’m not- so it just made me feel insecure & unattractive.(especially after that dream last week!!)

He apologized later & did his best to make it up to me. Am I being too harsh? What are your thoughts on this? Are you cool with your spouse/significant other watching porn? Do you do it without your significant other?

Dreams, Bachelor Parties & Deja Vu

Do you ever get those dreams where you wake up pissed off at your spouse/significant other? Like they really did the terrible things you concocted in your subconscious mind? Michael & I each had one of those this past week.

He wakes me up at god knows what hour to tell me about the bad dream he had. Apparently I became paranoid about the government or something, and started buying guns. I don’t know if it was Waco-ish or what, but it scared the shit out of him. Or maybe it was the 2nd part, where I opened up a ton of new credit cards. Doesn’t sound that frightening to me, but whatever.

He’s got a Bachelor party for one of his best friends next weekend. So I dreamed he went to this sex club where they let you watch people..only he decided to join in. My intuition must have kicked in, because I showed up to drag his ass home, but he wouldn’t leave. I woke up livid. I didn’t tell him about my dream- I had calmed down by the time he woke up (You see, I’m FAR more considerate when I have a nightmare!)

So the other night, we’re sitting in front of the tv, wishing there was something decent to watch, and Michael mentions that he got an e-mail from one of the other groomsmen, trying to figure out what they’re doing for the Bachelor Party. Their plans so far consisted of Hooters followed by barhopping. Kinda lame, but definitely tame & good for married men. 🙂 This guy suggested that they should go to a strip club. A really Skanky one. I’m not saying we have a lot of classy ‘exotic dance establishments’ in the ATL, but this one is plain nasty. I really wouldn’t be surprised if the people do fuck back in the VIP room of this place. So I blurt out “You know you’re not allowed to go to any titty bars without me!” He responds with “Well I’m sure I could sneak you in.” I realized I was overreacting, but told him he’d better go to one of the ones I approve of, where the girls are more unapproachable & don’t look like they’d give a blowjob for 5 bucks.

The next day, I’m going through the mail. Michael walks in to take his (the bills! ha!), and sees a fat envelope from Nordstroms. He feels the envelope and his eyes widen as he feels the card in there. I could see his brain working.. I quickly say “Remember, honey, I TOLD you I got that one! I had to buy a dress for so&so’s wedding and I get $20 back for every $100 I spend with it!” I pull out the other envelope with my rewards certificate. I see the pulse in his neck slow down, as he, too realizes he was reacting from his dream. At least I didn’t buy a gun with it. I will, though if he goes to that disease ridden strip club.

Most embarrassing moment..

Amanda at Shamelessly Sassy offered up a challenge (and a contest, if money interests you..) to tell about your most embarrassing moment. Here’s one of mine:

Many years ago (alright, not THAT many) I was thin. A thin me equals a small chested me. I always wanted some tits, but didn’t want to spend money on breast augmentation. I was also single. I also liked to party. And meet men..

Well I went out and bought me some boobies. Yes, I know what I just said..not surgery. I got some falsies. They were so soft, made out of silicone & really natural looking. I was a cup size larger & thought I was so hot. I started wearing them all the time, but especially when going out to the clubs.

One night at a club, my friends and I were all drinking and dancing (of course!). I met this hot guy & everyone was having a great time. One minute I was dancing and smiling coyly, and the next I was grabbing at my lopsided chest and scanning the dancefloor for my lost enhancement. Aha, I saw it! But it would be so obvious if I picked it up(like me covering my cleavage wasn’t), so I kicked it with my expensive fuck me heel. It sort of rolled – in the wrong direction- towards the guy I was dancing with and hit his foot. He looked down and I bolted for the bathroom. I ditched the remaining twin in the trash, told a girlfriend I was feeling sick & needed to leave. She had to go gather the others in the group we were with, while I hid out in the ladies’ room.

I swear my face stayed bright red for days! I don’t know who else saw what happened, but I’m sure people at least noticed my abrupt change in bustiness. Not to mention my strange sudden affinity for baggy shirts. They probably all suspected I was preggie.

I look at all the lonely people…

A cool and funny blogger friend, Maria recently did a post
showing some of the weird myspace messages she gets sent. I found I still had a couple in my inbox, so thought I’d share, too.

Title: What a beautiful lady you are Nikki
“Hi, my name is Dimitri, I am a Greek-American, living in MY AREA. I am recently divorced, father of 4 boys, (yes I do not know how to make girls… lol)

Saw your profile and I thought of sending you a message. Are you single?

kisses on your forehead 🙂
Dimitri”

Dimitri, I’m glad you feel having 4 boys shows how virile you are. Do you actually raise them, or are you too busy trying to find chicks on myspace? Do you have a job & pay child support? You know, MY AREA has strong penalties against deadbeat dads.

And, no, I’m not single; I state that I am happily married about 50 times, numbnuts, just so assholes like you won’t hit on me.

knees to your groin,
Nikki

Title: Hi
“you sound nice and real unlike a lot of women on here…….…I am new to myspace and thought this would be a good way to find someone looking for the same as I was.
i am Italian/Spanish, 6’2, tanned olive skin, dark hair, live in MY AREA, have a great sense of humor, own my business and ideally ( life is not ideal, but it never hurts to try……lol ) looking for one friend, fun and intimacy. Been too busy working and travelling all over in and outside the US for the past 2 yrs ………..if you are looking for the same then we can talk/chat first and see how it goes.
My email is I WON”T BE THAT MEAN AND POST IT@msn.com and if you have yahoo IM then you can message me at LOSER.

looking forward
alan”

No, Alan, like most women on here I am a mean bitch. You’re right, though, I am real. So I’m not going to sugar coat this. You’re sad and pathetic. If girls in the real world don’t find you attractive or remotely interesting, pretending to be something you’re not online isn’t going to help. Sure, you might get a little cybersex until the girl figures it out, but shit, I hear the porn sites are all running specials. You don’t even have to bother with the lying and exaggerating on there.

Goodluck & get lost,
Nikki

Title: No Subject
“Hello Miss Lady,

How are you doing? I hope all is well. I would love to get to know you if that is possible? My name is Horatio but my friends call me “Q”. I have been back in MY AREA for almost a year now. I move from New Orleans “Before the Katrina”. If you cool with getting to know me you could give me a call or IM me on Yahoo. My user name is Q SUMTHINSUMTHIN@yahoo.com

If you are cool with us getting to know each other..hit me back if not I still respect your wishes.. It was truly a pleasure getting to know you.

Thanks…..Hopefully I will talk to you soon…

Q “

Q,
Is Horatio too difficult for your friends to say? Or are you upset your mom gave you a lame name? Glad you made it out before the storm but the only way I’d hit you back is with a very large bat.
Wow, that’s some talent you have; getting to know me while you do all the talking/writing. Very impressive. I guess there’s really no reason for us to communicate ever again, is there?!

You’re welcome,
Nikki

That’s all I could dig up. It’s no wonder Myspace gets a bad rap.

Ain’t I a darlin’?

I’ve never used WordPress before, but going to give it a whirl. Basically just need a place to vent & not have have to watch my words. If you want to peep in, feel free. I can’t guarantee it’ll always be pretty, but it’ll always be real.